Confused

I prayed a scary prayer last week. It was a prayer of surrender. I gave God everything. I said that he has all of me and can use me however he wants. It scares me. For the first time in my life, i am not in control anymore. I told God that i am his, rich or poor, married or single. I belong to him. Since that time i have been more confused then ever. The job that i thought i had fell through. Right now i have no job. I don't know how i am going to earn money. The place that i have been working during the summer months in the past is not giving me hours. I don't know where God is leading me. For the first time in my life, I have no plan. I don't know what tomorrow will bring let alone this next summer and school year. God is asking me to trust him when i cannot see anything in front of me. I know he will guide and direct me. His timing is perfect. My prayer is that i will quiet myself so that I can hear his still small voice of direction. "Teach me how to live O Lord. Lead me along the right path. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently on the Lord." I don't know what this summer will bring but I do know that God is going to take me out of my comfort zone and make me uncomfortable. May I be able to discern what he wants from me for the summer and the coming school year.

I went to prison today. Just thought you should all know.

I Don't Understand

There are some things that I will never understand. I will share one of them. I was spending my Monday afternoon like I usually do. Spending time at First Light Child Advocacy Center. What I don't understand is how someone can intentionally abuse a child; whether it is sexually, physically or emotionally. I was playing with these two little girls and all I could think about is that they will have to go back into the interview room and tell their story. Tell a story that includes abuse. Things have happened to these girls that I cannot even begin to describe. It is not fair, right or just. I just don't understand how anyone could do this to two innocent children. Over the past two years or so there have been over 800 cases of abuse in Grant county or surrounding counties. I just can't even begin to comprehend it. To be honest. I really don't want to. It makes me so mad. When will this stop. We need to realize that these children deserve to be protected. We need to do everything we can to prevent this from happening.

One word

I feel this blog is a way for me to share my journey with you, that includes my journey with Christ, friends, family, etc. I have come to one realization today. LIFE IS NOT ALL ABOUT ME. I know, I know, all of you guys know that and it should be obvious but it is taking me a long time to get the idea:) I guess I just get so caught up in what i am going through that i miss out on what is going around me and that there are more important things than what I am going through. I can be so selfish and so self-centered. God is doing so much in this world and I am missing it because I am so focused on myself. He is telling me to wake up and look around. He is teaching me that he wants to use me but until I lay myself down, my pride down, he cannot and willnot unless I get my focus on the right person and that person is Jesus Christ. I think life can be summed up in one word. That one word is SERVING!!!!! I think Jesus' ministry can be summed up in one word.. SERVING!!! When we serve we take on the likeness of Christ. We do ministry the way it is suppossed to be. Christ shows through when we realize that we must decrease so that he may increase.

How do we serve? What does serving look like? I think that it can take on many facets. It doesn't have a certain mold that it lives by. I don't have it all figured out and I may never, but I do know this. I need to get off my lazy butt and do it. No excuses. As Christians it is not only our duty but it is also our responsibility.

I think this is what can happen when we start serving
*I have a vision of IWU students catching this urge and desire to serve the city of Marion IN
*The city of Marion transformed because students took the time to invest in the city in which they reside for 8 months out of the year.
* A revival that breaks out on the campus of IWU, college students would move from religioun to Christ followers and living out the ministry of Jesus in today's society.

So now i am going to get off my soap box but my prayer is that as followers of Jesus Christ we will have this passion to serve others. It will not be done out of obligation but out of desire.

Alone

I have never felt more alone than at this very time in my life. I don't feel God's presence and I feel like a misfit everywhere I go. I feel that I don't fit in at school and at home. I feel Satan attacking me and I am believing his lies. I don't know what to do. A friend of mine wrote this about 5 months ago but it totally describes it best and I could not put it any better.

"Ever feel as though you are in a world full of people, but yet you feel all alone. In a world that you don't fit in, even with your closest friends and family. A place you don't know how to communicate what you really feel. A place where you have no one to confide in because they have their world and you have yours. A place where you keep arms length distances from everyone and everything because you are afraid of getting hurt. A place where you feel as though you have battle alone. A place where you feel unloved, unaccepted, unworthy. Unworthy of the gift of life. Unworthy of the Love that God gives. Unable to accept His Love and Mercy. Struggling to get by day in and day out. Feeling as though you have failed in evey area of life"

Uncertainty

I feel so inadequate and confused. I don't know what God wants me to do with my life. I feel so unqualified and scared to death to be a social worker. I feel that i am not strong enough to do that type of work. I have a job interview on Friday at a mental health facility in which I will be working in an inpatient facility with troubled kids and teens. I don't know if I am ready for this. I am really scared. I am afraid that I am going to fail. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can be a social worker. What would I do if I didn't do that. I don't have a clue. I am afraid to take risks. I don't want to do something that I will not succeed in. I don't want to fail these kids. Am I strong enough? Do I have what it takes to do this job and to make a difference in the lives of these kids. Will I blow it. Is this what God's wants me to do. I don't know.